Monogamy: What does it mean?

Relationships are complex. Clarity about boundaries can be tricky. When it comes to monogamy, you might think you and your partner are on the same page, but the subject means different things to different people.

Monogamy is a term once used only to reference marriage to one person, just as polygamy references marriage to more than one person. Since the 1950’s marriage rates have declined, divorce rates have increased, and more couples are living together outside marriage. Today, most people who claim monogamy have actually had more than one sexual partner in their lifetime.  Being explicit about expectations is more important than ever. 

So let me get more specific. Marital monogamy means you are married to only one person. It does not necessarily mean that the relationship is sexually monogamous as well, though this is generally expected. Sexual monogamists agree to have a sexual relationship with only one person. Serial sexual monogamists are sexually faithful in one relationship at a time for the duration of that relationship. They may have multiple sexual partners in their lifetime, yet proudly claim they have always been monogamous. For them, monogamy means they only have sex with one person at time. 

Defining monogamy is hard enough, but what qualifies as cheating. Affairs can now happen in person or electronically, sexually or emotionally. In some very conservative relationships, masturbation is as much of a betrayal as a full fledged sexual affair with another person. There is a spectrum of activities that could be perceived as sexual betrayal depending on the expectations of the partners involved. Using pornography, friending an ex on FaceBook, sexting with an acquaintance, getting a lap dance at a strip club, taking a client to dinner, or dancing with a coworker on a business trip are all examples of situations one partner might see as innocent while the other cries betrayal.

If monogamy is important to you, don’t assume you and your partner are defining it alike. Be clear about expectations. Discuss how you each measure sexual fidelity and in your unique relationship what will qualify as cheating. If you need some assistance with that, please call me to arrange a confidential consultation at 615-516-9806.

Am I asexual?

Asexuality is an ambiguous concept used to reference individuals who do not experience sexual attraction, have little or no drive for sex, or for whom sexual activity is repulsive or uninteresting. Some sexology researchers suggest that asexuality is more of a sexual orientation than a sexual disorder.

Asexuality occurs in about 1% of the population and is more prevalent among women than men.

Celibacy is different from asexuality. Celibacy is the choice to abstain from any form of sexual expression, but sexual attraction and desire still exist. Some people choose celibacy if they  have a history of negative consequences associated with sexual behavior. 

Asexuality does not seem to be correlated with a history of sexual trauma or problems related to attachment. Asexuals rarely experience ridicule from anyone other than their partners and they are often not distressed by their lack of sexual attraction. You don't crave what you never desired. It is difficult to cultivate desire for something you abhor or for which you have no purpose.

Asexual people are not necessarily unattractive to others. They may not appear prudent or conservative. They may have happy marriages and families in spite of their lack of erotic attraction to their partner. Most individuals who are asexual are unaware early in life how different they are from others. They generally enter into relationships out of cultural expectation instead of sexual attraction. They may have a few failed relationships before they fully understand the challenge their partners experience being in a relationship with someone who does not desire them sexually. 

Some asexuals will never know the concept of asexuality and therefore never understand why they are disinterested in sex. If partnered, these individuals will likely not realize how unreasonable it is to expect their partner to live with minimal or no sexual intimacy.

Those who identify as asexual claim they lack attraction to any gender. They have the capacity for affection, but without sexual attraction. Ironically, some admit to self pleasuring to experience orgasmic release.

Some self-proclaimed asexuals even date or partner for reasons of companionship or social pressure. Some have sexual relationships out of obligation by simply tolerating it. Partners of these individuals often feel frustrated, neglected, or confused. Many will leave the relationship when they lose hope that their sexual differences will ever be resolved.

To arrange a confidential sexological consultation please contact me at 615-516-9806. 

Follow this link to take the asexuality quiz 

http://brainfall.com/quizzes/user-quiz-300/#SJdAfHdcW 

The Effects of Shame

John Bradshaw (1988) makes reference to the concept of toxic shame, the sense that one is “flawed and defective as a human being” (p. 10). It causes one to feel “isolated and alone”, emotional bondage. According to Bradshaw, one may cope with shame by developing a “false self”, “the authentic self goes into hiding” (p. 14). Shame is perhaps the most influential barrier to sexual integrity. Its impact begins in childhood and is reinforced repeatedly until death. There are many ways we are sexually shamed and in turn shame others. Each time we are shamed we slip deeper into denial and secrecy and further away from our sexual truth.

When raising children, it seems that shame modifies unwanted behavior. When the parent shames the child, they may see a reduction or end in the behavior. However, often the child learns to hide the behavior or repress the urge. With repression, the energy associated with the behavior may seek another form of expression more problematic than the original behavior. Shaming is a poor intervention for modifying behavior. However, it is an excellent strategy for teaching children to hide or lie. Lying and hiding are adaptive ways shamed people attempt to minimize conflict in social systems where they determine truth would be intolerable. 

In Pursuit of Sexual Integrity

We live in a sex-negative culture. Sex is a provocative subject. It stirs in us uncomfortable emotions like fear, anger, and shame. It can also stir arousal and fantasy, which then may lead to more shame. We are socialized to split off our sexuality as if it were optional. How odd that we would ever take this innate drive, so fundamental to human existence, and try to delude ourselves that we can easily live without it.

Sexuality is innate. We are born to be sexual creatures. We are designed to experience sexual pleasure, but our instinctive drives and desires are shaped, contorted, and transformed by the ideals of the culture we live in. By the time we get to puberty, what should come naturally has been overlaid with religious dogma, sexism, homophobia, trauma, abuse, the bad examples of parents, and meaningless social ideals. 

Sexual integrity is about knowing who you are and what you want as a sexual being. It is about honestly representing yourself to others without shame and asking for what you want. We enter relationships with unrealistic expectations that set us up to feel disappointed and then we blame our partner for not being who we expected them to be. To get to our unique sexual authenticity, we first have to crawl out from under the debris that has been heaped on top of us from birth.

Opposite sex couples are challenged from the beginning because they can never experience sexuality from the other perspective. Their bodies are different, their brains are different. They have different motivations for sex. They orgasm differently. They were told that sex was supposed to be intimate and loving. The irony is that love can grow while the sexual connection dies. Sometimes the relationship is emotionally intimate and the intimacy kills the erotic desire. 

Erotic passion cannot thrive in the presence of righteous judgment. Sex needs to be playful, fun, and adventurous. Even within a monogamous relationship there has to be freedom for fantasy and individual expression. Sex is not a thinking activity. It is a sensual activity. Sexual dysfunctions in men and women are often the result of anxiety. They over-think sex and become afraid of judgment by their partner. Perhaps there were violations of trust which makes sex with the partner emotionally unsafe. The body cannot relax for fear of what might or might not happen.

Couples can make such a fuss over sex that avoiding it is easier. Negotiating the time and place or trying to coordinate the mood for both persons, while insisting it also be spontaneous, leads to frustration and resentment. Pornography, masturbation, or hooking up elsewhere may become the alternative options for satisfying the erotic appetite. Sex can become so casual that it lacks value, so routine that it is predictable. 

Couples who are successfully monogamous invest the time and energy it takes to nurture their relationship and make sex a priority. They know that if the job, the kids, the house, always come before the relationship, the relationship is destined to fail. In a long relationship, sex can take many forms from intense passion, to monotonous routine, to distance and avoidance and then amazingly passionate again. 

America is making a slow shift toward a more positive and honest approach to sex. Men and women are increasingly living their lives in sexual integrity. They are choosing their own terminology to describe who they are. They are negotiating their relationships to accommodate needs for emotional and physical intimacy. Concepts of same sex marriage, polyamory, and gender variance force systems to rewrite their questionnaires, change their laws, reconsider how they do business, market products, and even get votes in elections. 

Human sexuality is complex. It is influenced by biology, psychology, the culture we live in, and the relationships with those closest to us. At its most basic it is primal, wild, all id. At its most tamed, it is restrained, contained, limited in its range of expression by your own mind or circumstances in your life. Sexual needs and expectations are fluid; changing across the life span, influenced by age, health, lifestyle, and environment. What we desire today, we may not desire tomorrow and tomorrow we might long for what we let go yesterday. 

Keep your mind open. Keep your communication open. Avoid judging and shaming yourself and your partner(s). Talk to your partners about what you want. Take one step forward on your own path to sexual integrity. Seek the freedom that comes from exploring desire, intimacy, and sex in the way that best affirms you and enhances your life and your relationships.

To schedule a confidential consultation please call me at 615-516-9806.

Sexual Performance Anxiety in Men

Men are often accused of being inconsiderate lovers, focused only on their own gratification without concern for their  partners. I believe this is the exception and not the rule. Sex is central in the lives of most men. Men pride themselves on being a skilled lover. His partner's pleasure validates his value as a lover. 

Fearing or perceiving negative feedback can result in sexual disorders like erectile dysfunction (ED) or early or delayed ejaculation. Many men with these symptoms are in their twenties and thirties and have no physical health problems. Their sexual dysfunction is the result of performance anxiety related to sex.

The human brain is naturally designed to respond to potential threats; perceived or real, physical or conceptual. This process is unconscious and innate. Erections are also unconscious and innate. All healthy men achieve erections naturally without having to consciously will them. When the unconscious brain perceives a threat, it automatically shuts down any unnecessary functions and directs all resources toward survival. An erection is unnecessary if a bear is chasing you. The unconscious brain responding to a physical or conceptual threat does not know the difference between a hungry bear and a dissatisfied sexual partner. It shuts down the penal hydraulic system in both situations pumping blood to other organs and muscles more necessary to respond to a threat.

It is a myth that men are always ready for sex under any circumstance.  There are countless reasons men may experience anxiety about sex and it only has to happen once to perpetuate the fear that it will happen again. As self-fulfilling prophecy would have it, it often does.

Sex therapists help men and their partners by getting to the source of the fear. Sometimes just some simple education about physiology and how erections occur is sufficient to put his mind at ease and allow his body to again respond to sexual stimuli naturally. I encourage men to avoid relying on PDE5 inhibitors (erectile medications) when the cause of ED is anxiety. These medications are most appropriate for treating ED caused by physiological health problems. They were never intended to treat anxiety. 

If you or your partner is dealing with problems related to sexual performance, a consult with a sex therapist could help. A skilled therapist can determine the cause of the problem and eliminate the chance of unnecessary medication or invasive medical procedures. If you or the man in your life are experiencing erectile dysfunction related to performance anxiety, contact me for a confidential consultation at 615-516-9806.