Monogamy: What does it mean?

Relationships are complex. Clarity about boundaries can be tricky. When it comes to monogamy, you might think you and your partner are on the same page, but the subject means different things to different people.

Monogamy is a term once used only to reference marriage to one person, just as polygamy references marriage to more than one person. Since the 1950’s marriage rates have declined, divorce rates have increased, and more couples are living together outside marriage. Today, most people who claim monogamy have actually had more than one sexual partner in their lifetime.  Being explicit about expectations is more important than ever. 

So let me get more specific. Marital monogamy means you are married to only one person. It does not necessarily mean that the relationship is sexually monogamous as well, though this is generally expected. Sexual monogamists agree to have a sexual relationship with only one person. Serial sexual monogamists are sexually faithful in one relationship at a time for the duration of that relationship. They may have multiple sexual partners in their lifetime, yet proudly claim they have always been monogamous. For them, monogamy means they only have sex with one person at time. 

Defining monogamy is hard enough, but what qualifies as cheating. Affairs can now happen in person or electronically, sexually or emotionally. In some very conservative relationships, masturbation is as much of a betrayal as a full fledged sexual affair with another person. There is a spectrum of activities that could be perceived as sexual betrayal depending on the expectations of the partners involved. Using pornography, friending an ex on FaceBook, sexting with an acquaintance, getting a lap dance at a strip club, taking a client to dinner, or dancing with a coworker on a business trip are all examples of situations one partner might see as innocent while the other cries betrayal.

If monogamy is important to you, don’t assume you and your partner are defining it alike. Be clear about expectations. Discuss how you each measure sexual fidelity and in your unique relationship what will qualify as cheating. If you need some assistance with that, please call me to arrange a confidential consultation at 615-516-9806.