Monogamy: What does it mean?

Relationships are complex. Clarity about boundaries can be tricky. When it comes to monogamy, you might think you and your partner are on the same page, but the subject means different things to different people.

Monogamy is a term once used only to reference marriage to one person, just as polygamy references marriage to more than one person. Since the 1950’s marriage rates have declined, divorce rates have increased, and more couples are living together outside marriage. Today, most people who claim monogamy have actually had more than one sexual partner in their lifetime.  Being explicit about expectations is more important than ever. 

So let me get more specific. Marital monogamy means you are married to only one person. It does not necessarily mean that the relationship is sexually monogamous as well, though this is generally expected. Sexual monogamists agree to have a sexual relationship with only one person. Serial sexual monogamists are sexually faithful in one relationship at a time for the duration of that relationship. They may have multiple sexual partners in their lifetime, yet proudly claim they have always been monogamous. For them, monogamy means they only have sex with one person at time. 

Defining monogamy is hard enough, but what qualifies as cheating. Affairs can now happen in person or electronically, sexually or emotionally. In some very conservative relationships, masturbation is as much of a betrayal as a full fledged sexual affair with another person. There is a spectrum of activities that could be perceived as sexual betrayal depending on the expectations of the partners involved. Using pornography, friending an ex on FaceBook, sexting with an acquaintance, getting a lap dance at a strip club, taking a client to dinner, or dancing with a coworker on a business trip are all examples of situations one partner might see as innocent while the other cries betrayal.

If monogamy is important to you, don’t assume you and your partner are defining it alike. Be clear about expectations. Discuss how you each measure sexual fidelity and in your unique relationship what will qualify as cheating. If you need some assistance with that, please call me to arrange a confidential consultation at 615-516-9806.

Am I asexual?

Asexuality is an ambiguous concept used to reference individuals who do not experience sexual attraction, have little or no drive for sex, or for whom sexual activity is repulsive or uninteresting. Some sexology researchers suggest that asexuality is more of a sexual orientation than a sexual disorder.

Asexuality occurs in about 1% of the population and is more prevalent among women than men.

Celibacy is different from asexuality. Celibacy is the choice to abstain from any form of sexual expression, but sexual attraction and desire still exist. Some people choose celibacy if they  have a history of negative consequences associated with sexual behavior. 

Asexuality does not seem to be correlated with a history of sexual trauma or problems related to attachment. Asexuals rarely experience ridicule from anyone other than their partners and they are often not distressed by their lack of sexual attraction. You don't crave what you never desired. It is difficult to cultivate desire for something you abhor or for which you have no purpose.

Asexual people are not necessarily unattractive to others. They may not appear prudent or conservative. They may have happy marriages and families in spite of their lack of erotic attraction to their partner. Most individuals who are asexual are unaware early in life how different they are from others. They generally enter into relationships out of cultural expectation instead of sexual attraction. They may have a few failed relationships before they fully understand the challenge their partners experience being in a relationship with someone who does not desire them sexually. 

Some asexuals will never know the concept of asexuality and therefore never understand why they are disinterested in sex. If partnered, these individuals will likely not realize how unreasonable it is to expect their partner to live with minimal or no sexual intimacy.

Those who identify as asexual claim they lack attraction to any gender. They have the capacity for affection, but without sexual attraction. Ironically, some admit to self pleasuring to experience orgasmic release.

Some self-proclaimed asexuals even date or partner for reasons of companionship or social pressure. Some have sexual relationships out of obligation by simply tolerating it. Partners of these individuals often feel frustrated, neglected, or confused. Many will leave the relationship when they lose hope that their sexual differences will ever be resolved.

To arrange a confidential sexological consultation please contact me at 615-516-9806. 

Follow this link to take the asexuality quiz 

http://brainfall.com/quizzes/user-quiz-300/#SJdAfHdcW