The Effects of Shame

John Bradshaw (1988) makes reference to the concept of toxic shame, the sense that one is “flawed and defective as a human being” (p. 10). It causes one to feel “isolated and alone”, emotional bondage. According to Bradshaw, one may cope with shame by developing a “false self”, “the authentic self goes into hiding” (p. 14). Shame is perhaps the most influential barrier to sexual integrity. Its impact begins in childhood and is reinforced repeatedly until death. There are many ways we are sexually shamed and in turn shame others. Each time we are shamed we slip deeper into denial and secrecy and further away from our sexual truth.

When raising children, it seems that shame modifies unwanted behavior. When the parent shames the child, they may see a reduction or end in the behavior. However, often the child learns to hide the behavior or repress the urge. With repression, the energy associated with the behavior may seek another form of expression more problematic than the original behavior. Shaming is a poor intervention for modifying behavior. However, it is an excellent strategy for teaching children to hide or lie. Lying and hiding are adaptive ways shamed people attempt to minimize conflict in social systems where they determine truth would be intolerable.