In Pursuit of Sexual Integrity

We live in a sex-negative culture. Sex is a provocative subject. It stirs in us uncomfortable emotions like fear, anger, and shame. It can also stir arousal and fantasy, which then may lead to more shame. We are socialized to split off our sexuality as if it were optional. How odd that we would ever take this innate drive, so fundamental to human existence, and try to delude ourselves that we can easily live without it.

Sexuality is innate. We are born to be sexual creatures. We are designed to experience sexual pleasure, but our instinctive drives and desires are shaped, contorted, and transformed by the ideals of the culture we live in. By the time we get to puberty, what should come naturally has been overlaid with religious dogma, sexism, homophobia, trauma, abuse, the bad examples of parents, and meaningless social ideals. 

Sexual integrity is about knowing who you are and what you want as a sexual being. It is about honestly representing yourself to others without shame and asking for what you want. We enter relationships with unrealistic expectations that set us up to feel disappointed and then we blame our partner for not being who we expected them to be. To get to our unique sexual authenticity, we first have to crawl out from under the debris that has been heaped on top of us from birth.

Opposite sex couples are challenged from the beginning because they can never experience sexuality from the other perspective. Their bodies are different, their brains are different. They have different motivations for sex. They orgasm differently. They were told that sex was supposed to be intimate and loving. The irony is that love can grow while the sexual connection dies. Sometimes the relationship is emotionally intimate and the intimacy kills the erotic desire. 

Erotic passion cannot thrive in the presence of righteous judgment. Sex needs to be playful, fun, and adventurous. Even within a monogamous relationship there has to be freedom for fantasy and individual expression. Sex is not a thinking activity. It is a sensual activity. Sexual dysfunctions in men and women are often the result of anxiety. They over-think sex and become afraid of judgment by their partner. Perhaps there were violations of trust which makes sex with the partner emotionally unsafe. The body cannot relax for fear of what might or might not happen.

Couples can make such a fuss over sex that avoiding it is easier. Negotiating the time and place or trying to coordinate the mood for both persons, while insisting it also be spontaneous, leads to frustration and resentment. Pornography, masturbation, or hooking up elsewhere may become the alternative options for satisfying the erotic appetite. Sex can become so casual that it lacks value, so routine that it is predictable. 

Couples who are successfully monogamous invest the time and energy it takes to nurture their relationship and make sex a priority. They know that if the job, the kids, the house, always come before the relationship, the relationship is destined to fail. In a long relationship, sex can take many forms from intense passion, to monotonous routine, to distance and avoidance and then amazingly passionate again. 

America is making a slow shift toward a more positive and honest approach to sex. Men and women are increasingly living their lives in sexual integrity. They are choosing their own terminology to describe who they are. They are negotiating their relationships to accommodate needs for emotional and physical intimacy. Concepts of same sex marriage, polyamory, and gender variance force systems to rewrite their questionnaires, change their laws, reconsider how they do business, market products, and even get votes in elections. 

Human sexuality is complex. It is influenced by biology, psychology, the culture we live in, and the relationships with those closest to us. At its most basic it is primal, wild, all id. At its most tamed, it is restrained, contained, limited in its range of expression by your own mind or circumstances in your life. Sexual needs and expectations are fluid; changing across the life span, influenced by age, health, lifestyle, and environment. What we desire today, we may not desire tomorrow and tomorrow we might long for what we let go yesterday. 

Keep your mind open. Keep your communication open. Avoid judging and shaming yourself and your partner(s). Talk to your partners about what you want. Take one step forward on your own path to sexual integrity. Seek the freedom that comes from exploring desire, intimacy, and sex in the way that best affirms you and enhances your life and your relationships.

To schedule a confidential consultation please call me at 615-516-9806.

Sexual Performance Anxiety in Men

Men are often accused of being inconsiderate lovers, focused only on their own gratification without concern for their  partners. I believe this is the exception and not the rule. Sex is central in the lives of most men. Men pride themselves on being a skilled lover. His partner's pleasure validates his value as a lover. 

Fearing or perceiving negative feedback can result in sexual disorders like erectile dysfunction (ED) or early or delayed ejaculation. Many men with these symptoms are in their twenties and thirties and have no physical health problems. Their sexual dysfunction is the result of performance anxiety related to sex.

The human brain is naturally designed to respond to potential threats; perceived or real, physical or conceptual. This process is unconscious and innate. Erections are also unconscious and innate. All healthy men achieve erections naturally without having to consciously will them. When the unconscious brain perceives a threat, it automatically shuts down any unnecessary functions and directs all resources toward survival. An erection is unnecessary if a bear is chasing you. The unconscious brain responding to a physical or conceptual threat does not know the difference between a hungry bear and a dissatisfied sexual partner. It shuts down the penal hydraulic system in both situations pumping blood to other organs and muscles more necessary to respond to a threat.

It is a myth that men are always ready for sex under any circumstance.  There are countless reasons men may experience anxiety about sex and it only has to happen once to perpetuate the fear that it will happen again. As self-fulfilling prophecy would have it, it often does.

Sex therapists help men and their partners by getting to the source of the fear. Sometimes just some simple education about physiology and how erections occur is sufficient to put his mind at ease and allow his body to again respond to sexual stimuli naturally. I encourage men to avoid relying on PDE5 inhibitors (erectile medications) when the cause of ED is anxiety. These medications are most appropriate for treating ED caused by physiological health problems. They were never intended to treat anxiety. 

If you or your partner is dealing with problems related to sexual performance, a consult with a sex therapist could help. A skilled therapist can determine the cause of the problem and eliminate the chance of unnecessary medication or invasive medical procedures. If you or the man in your life are experiencing erectile dysfunction related to performance anxiety, contact me for a confidential consultation at 615-516-9806.